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My first Rub and Tug – Bikeguide

So, I’m contemplating going to this “adult massage joint” a few blocks from my house, but I have a few issues I need to iron out first, seeing as it will be my first time going to one.

Ahem.

1. If I walk in and all the women look like a bag of rusty ski-doo parts, is it disrespectful to just peace the fuck out?

2. Should I strike up a conversation with the woman or just point to my junk and lay down? I don’t want to pay extra for unnessesary chit chat.

3. Should I bring a condom?

4. Is it rude to ask her to wash her hands before she touches me? After all, it’s technically gay if she rubs off some dude and smears that filth all over me. Fuck that.

5. Do I have to sign some sort of legal document stating that the Massage Studio will not be held responsible if I get aids? And can they take legal action on me if I give one of them herpies?

6. If she’s into it, and I know she will be, is it frowned upon to bone the rub and tugger? Seems kind of skuzzy..

7. Should I shit, shower, shave and treat this like a date before I go? Or can I just skip the shower, rep the pubic jungle, and shit at the massage joint before she rubs one off me?

8. Okay, lets say my penis listens to music. It would prefer the “metal genre” because it likes the excessive BPM. If shes yanking too slow, can I tell her to increase my BPM because my wiener is a metal head?

9. Can I haggle the price on the factors of age, weight, and preformance?

10. Is it rude to ask her to make me a sandwich before I leave?

This woman beats off men for a living, so I’m guessing she’ll have a pretty stong forearm which means she’ll have my junk in a death grip and could possibly rip it right off if I say the wrong thing. What things should I avoid doing/saying because as funny as it sounds, I do not want to walk out with my dick in my hand.

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